This is a great time to be an American citizen and don't let anyone tell you different. It's time for all of us to laugh in the face of a recession that has steamrolled Wall Street, has siphoned the gas out of the auto industry and has led people to trample a temporary Walmart employee for holiday bargains. When Americans hear news reports about emaciated Third World refugees trampling over children to get a handful of rice, we shake our heads and comment, "How can they do that to children?"
As Americans, we are above that type of behavior, but we'll mow you down for a rock bottom price on a new plasma screen television. Wii is on sale for how much? It's time to strap on the body armor and become a soldier for little Johnny who wants a big Christmas. Your target of acquisition is in Aisle 14, which is situated in the far right sector of the store. Recon on Wednesday determined the target could be accessed in less than 32 seconds and your orders are not to allow anyone to impede your progress. You are seeking a High Value Target and this mission has to be accomplished, so little Johnny's dad can play Wii today.
When you encounter a United Nations soldier seeking to delay your end game, you barrel through the target wearing the blue peacekeeper vest. Did it say U.N. on his chest or was that an insurgent dressed as a Walmart employee? Did anyone in the attack force correctly identify the enemy or was this blue-on-blue friendly fire?
How can you blame these highly-skilled shoppers for attacking their target with passion and tenacity? It's kill or be killed -- get your Wii -- or tell Johnny's mother that you're a soft ass little bitch.
Wouldn't it be nice if Walmart donated the Long Island store's Black Friday booty to the victim's family, but I have a good feeling the family is going get a nice check from Walmart. Oh, the victim had a name. His name was Jdimytai Damour and he was 34-years old.
Quick Hits
Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress makes me proud to be a Giants fan and an American. It's a lot of fun to attack Jerry Jones and his criminally inclined Dallas Cowboys, but is Burress all that different than Cowboys cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones? What Giants fan wants to spend his or her Sundays rooting for Plaxico Burress?
Would I choose to be friends with a guy, who had two domestic disturbances at his house this summer, and then shoots himself in the leg at a club? Why should I root for the guy on Sundays? I guess I'll have to take back the Plaxico Burress jersey I bought for my nephew, but maybe I change the name on the back of it to Harris Smith.
Sloppy Seconds
Dion Phaneuf & Elisha Cuthbert
Former New York Ranger provocateur and current Dallas Star, Sean Avery, is having his former girlfriends bumrushed by NHL stars. Ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert is dating Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf and former Avery ex-girlfriend/supermodel/Circus of the Stars contestant Rachel Hunter is dating Los Angeles Kings center Jarret Stoll.
In Avery's Own Words
Thank the Lord, Rod Stewart didn't ask Sean Avery "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" When Rod and Rachel were married, Rod reportedly vowed to cut off his penis rather than cheat on his supermodel second wife. Rod is now on to wife #3.
Should the NHL have suspended Sean Avery? No, let Avery go out there and experience James Caan's Rollerball. In the good ol' days of the NHL, Avery would have been attacked by every guy on the Calgary Flames including the trainer coming at him with a pair of safety scissors. The NHL suspended Avery to avoid a potential Pakistan - India incident with Elisha Cuthbert representing Kashmir. This would have been the mother of all Don Cherry donnybrooks.
To confirm, the NHL has not banned fighting. The NHL won't ban fighting, but how dare one of its players mention the phrase, "sloppy seconds." If Gary Bettman's NHL wants to make the game truly family friendly, outlaw fighting. If fighting isn't going to be banished from the game, let the boys handle it on the ice.
Does anyone think Sean Avery's comment is going to prevent him from dating actresses and models in the future? The last time I checked you don't have to be a MENSA candidate to enter either profession.
Right now, Sean Avery is the biggest name in the NHL. The guy is a master of self-promotion (Anna Wintour at Vogue is possibly riddled with guilt regarding her sexist former Vogue intern.) and he does not care what anyone thinks including his teammates on the Dallas Stars. After his NHL days end, Avery will have a career in entertainment, which might be a whole lot sooner than he once thought.
America is a great country, even when Canadians like Sean Avery attempt to destroy our domestic tranquility. Is Avery a domestic terrorist?
STARBURY
Stephon Marbury's quote to the New York Post:
"They left me for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."
This is one of the greatest quotes in the history of bizarre and delusional quotes from Stephon Marbury. This gives credence to the theory that a skull tattoo negatively impacts a person's IQ. Starbury needs to stay away from the microphones and cell phone towers that could affect his fragile mental state..
Here's a couple of things Starbury needs to consider:
1. He has no game. At 31, Starbury has seen his better days and the ride downhill is fast and slippery. Starbury has gone from NYC legend to the scrap heap. How did this happen?
2. What NBA team would want him? Even for chump change, who would take the guy?
3. When he was coach of the Phoenix Suns, Mike D'Antoni traded Stephon Marbury to the New York Knicks. Did Starbury believe D'Antoni, as coach of the Knicks, was going to embrace him.
America is a great country.
